Guilty Conscience

So I've made the very difficult decision to stop breastfeeding and it keeps haunting me. So you ask yourself then why don't you keep breastfeeding then????

The truth is that I'm quitting for selfish reasons. I'm ready to have my body back. For a year my body has undergone many changes and let's face it, has belonged more to Kendall than to me. I have thoroughly enjoyed breastfeeding and the closeness with Kendall and would do it all over again in a heartbeat. However, I refuse to breastfeed in public which really limits what I can do in a day. Another factor in helping me make this decision is that the girl likes to eat (read previous entry about her weight/height) and I'm just not producing enough.

So the reason it keeps haunting me is that once my milk is gone it's not something I can get back and I really enjoy letting her nurse before going to sleep for the night. I've gone back and forth on my decision numerous times and am finally sticking to my guns this time. In fact several times Rob has caught me breastfeeding Kendall and said, "I thought you weren't going to breastfeed anymore".

I also don't want to be judged by anyone by my decision to quit, which really shouldn't bother me because it's my decision and my decision alone. I learned a long time ago that if mama ain't happy then nobody's happy. And in truth, she has received the most important part and has built up some great antibodies against sickness. AND, as my friend Laurie reminded me while I was having this conversation with her, Kendall will still grow up to be a smart, kind, caring, productive member of society regardless of whether or not I continue to breastfeed her. So there it is, judge or not, I'm happy with my decision and realize it is what's right for me. Maybe I'll go check this book out from the library!